The Pumpkin Name Hall of Fame
There are perfectly respectable pumpkin names.
Autumn Crown. Crystal Star. Magic Lantern. Porcelain Doll.
And then, somewhere along the way, pumpkin breeders apparently decided that dignity was optional.
The world of pumpkins and gourds is filled with cultivar names so strange, funny, and occasionally insulting that they deserve recognition independent of the pumpkins themselves.
Welcome to the Pumpkin Name Hall of Fame, where we're ranking some of the greatest names ever bestowed upon a member of the squash family.
Hooligan
We begin with a pumpkin that sounds like it has already been asked to leave the neighborhood. Hooligan is a small ornamental variety with cream-colored skin and orange striping. It's cute, compact and weighs only around a pound.
In other words, exactly the sort of pumpkin you'd least expect to be called Hooligan.
Why it makes the Hall of Fame: An enormous amount of attitude for a very small pumpkin.
Goblin Egg
This one raises questions. Who are the goblins? Why are they laying eggs? And why did someone look at a tiny gourd and decide that was clearly what had happened?
Goblin Eggs has actually appeared in university pumpkin and gourd cultivar trials, so this is not something we invented after too much pumpkin-spice coffee.
Why it makes the Hall of Fame: Excellent Halloween branding. Disturbing implications.
Knuckle Head
Some pumpkins are smooth and symmetrical. Knuckle Head is not interested in being one of them.
This orange pumpkin develops the large bumps and warts that have become so popular in fall decorating. It looks appropriately rough around the edges, making "Knuckle Head" a surprisingly accurate description. NC State's pumpkin trials have included it alongside considerably more dignified varieties like Crystal Star and Porcelain Doll.
Why it makes the Hall of Fame: It's hard to imagine looking at a pumpkin and thinking, "You know what you are? A knucklehead." But someone did.
Goosebumps
Another member of the intentionally-warty pumpkin family, Goosebumps looks exactly like the name suggests.
The skin is covered with bumps that make an ordinary smooth pumpkin look almost unfinished by comparison.
And apparently one Goosebumps wasn't enough. A later cultivar trial included Goose Bumps II, suggesting that the pumpkin world has sequels.
Why it makes the Hall of Fame: Any pumpkin name that eventually gets a Roman numeral deserves recognition.
Spoon Platoon
Technically, we're drifting into ornamental-gourd territory here, but we cannot possibly hold a Pumpkin Name Hall of Fame and exclude something called Spoon Platoon.
It's real. NC State listed Spoon Platoon in a cultivar evaluation alongside other tiny ornamental gourds.
We don't know exactly what military objective the spoons have been assigned.
We assume it's classified.
Why it makes the Hall of Fame: It sounds less like produce and more like a children's animated series.
Lunch Lady
Yes. There is a pumpkin called Lunch Lady.
The name feels particularly appropriate for some of the unusual, slightly lumpy pumpkins that show up in fall displays. No disrespect to actual lunch ladies, who have enough to deal with without being compared to squash.
Why it makes the Hall of Fame: Someone had to submit the words "Lunch Lady" as the official name of a pumpkin and everyone else apparently said, "Perfect."
Red Warty Thing
At some point, the naming committee simply gave up.
"What should we call the large red one covered in warts?"
"Red Warty Thing."
"Meeting adjourned."
And the description really is accurate. Red Warty Thing produces large red-orange fruit covered in heavy wart-like bumps. The variety traces back to the old 'Victor' squash and can produce fruit in roughly the 10-to-20-pound range.
Why it makes the Hall of Fame: Possibly the most brutally literal vegetable name in existence.
One Too Many
This is where pumpkin naming becomes art.
One Too Many is a pale pumpkin covered with reddish-orange veining. The pattern has often been compared to a bloodshot eye—which explains the joke behind the name.
It looks like the pumpkin had a considerably more exciting evening than you did.
This is also a documented cultivar, developed for decorative use, with fruit typically in the 15-to-25-pound range.
Why it makes the Hall of Fame: Somebody managed to make a hangover joke into an agricultural product.
Outstanding work.
Mr. Wrinkles and Mrs. Wrinkles
Yes, there is a Mr. Wrinkles. And yes, there is a Mrs. Wrinkles.
Seed catalogs have described Mr. Wrinkles as a large, bumpy jack-o'-lantern type, while Mrs. Wrinkles was developed as a somewhat smaller companion.
Even better, one seed trial noted that Mrs. Wrinkles continued developing wrinkles under stressful growing conditions better than Mr. Wrinkles did.
Why they make the Hall of Fame: Pumpkins apparently have married couples now.
Honorable Mentions
The pumpkin and gourd world has plenty more where these came from.
Flatso sounds like a playground insult. Toad is wonderfully unflattering. Big Moose seems better suited to a roadside diner. Monster Smash sounds like a seasonal cereal. Cave Man's Club sounds mildly dangerous. And New England Cheddar is a pumpkin that looks so much like a wheel of cheese that apparently everyone simply went with it. All of these names have appeared in documented pumpkin or gourd cultivar evaluations.
Then there's Long Island Cheese, another very real pumpkin name. The flattened, buff-colored heirloom resembles a wheel of cheese, which makes the name considerably more logical once you see one.
But perhaps that's the best thing about pumpkins.
They don't have to be perfect.
They can be enormous, tiny, flattened, pink, blue, covered in warts or shaped like something that barely resembles a pumpkin at all.
And somewhere out there, someone gets to name them.
Apparently with very little supervision.
At Blue Cottage Porch, we're fans of all of them—the beautiful ones, the weird ones and especially the Red Warty Things.
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